4:28am: never felt so down

My bags under my eyes have turned into luggage as I’m unable to fall asleep. The last few hours I’ve been contemplating if I should delete a certain video from my YouTube channel.

I don’t want to get into the entire ordeal, but I just feel sick. YouTube’s algorithm was finally rewarding my hard work. The video I just deleted, it took me a year to figure out how I was going to put it together and then an additional 6 months to finally film and edit it completely.

Hard work pays off because I was seeing an uptick… a climb. YouTube was saying, “woah. not only is Jonathan posting content again on his channel, but this video is actually pretty good.”

The analytics loved it too!

FUCK

Just like the Fired video: I put so much time putting together a well-crafted story that I think can speak volumes to people… there is someone who deems it unworthy. The Fired video I made a compromise and deleted a crucial part of the video that brought it vulnerability… and what happened?

It wasn’t doing well.

Nada.

Zip.

Zero.

It was shit because it wasn’t truly authentic.

Road Trip videos? Not authentic.

How is it doing?

Shitty.

As you can see I’m not putting any thought in my writing. I’m just spewing because I’m angry: the year, the months, the weeks, the hours, the late nights, the redbulls for the last second… to finish this video means nothing.

Dare I say it? I’m fucking crying.

I’m balling actually.

It’s my fault though.

I did this to myself.

You think you follow the rules and put everything together, get permission or use clips from the past. Who knows. But it doesn’t matter.

You messed up.

Ka-poot.

Okay.

Jonathan.

Breathe for a second.

Let’s solve this… shall we?

First, I’m not re-publishing the video I just deleted. It’s a video about How I Met The Chainsmokers and it involved an ex. The story was authentic, real, and I received several messages telling me how it touched them.

I was like Yes! I’m glad this could relate to a few people.

The clips were used were all clips I used from the past. There was a phone conversation in the video? That phone conversation was actually done back in early 2015 (PUBLISHED): I wrote the text message and she said it verbatim. This was for an old video I published back in the day.

I took that same audio clip and put it into the video.

Then, I took the same clips from previous videos and added into the mix.

but God damnit… after so many months of figuring out how to put this altogether. How was my mind so clouded? God damnit.

Anyway I’m not going to make the video again.

The story arc needs the girl: ex breaks up -> chainsmoker events happen -> will we get back together? -> nah.

People FEEL that structure.

Anyway. The video is dead (for now)

I have to move on…

In the book, “War of Art” by Stephen Pressfield. He mentions that when you’re finally finding your groove, there will be things in the way that will try to resist you from creating. They either top you altogether or they halt you for awhile and then you get back on your feet to create some more.

I’m working my ass off right now:

balancing clients

taking care of another car accident

to filming

to editing

I’m screaming to the gods – please give me a break?

Please.

Breathe.

I just want to be able to tell one true authentic story without it being stripped away from me… god I sound like a little 7 year old kid crying to the heavens. Fuck

It’ll be okay.

I have no angst to the people who are upset at me because they’re in the right. Drama happens because it’s usually because of something I did that leads to a roller coaster of events. All that needs to be done now is to put some sleeping pills in my body. Wake up. And try again.

Here we go.

Starting from scratch… all over again.

The world isn’t out to get to me… I’m just being stupid.

Thank you for listening.
My bedroom – LA
4:51 am

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