Acceptance

It’s 4am. I can’t sleep. I need to write.

I’m not going to lie, I was going to write a blogpost called “Being a Superstar Is the Biggest Lie Companies Tell You to Be”

There is a mantra that floats around startup culture and corporate America in general… “if you don’t own the company, you should work late, outwork your co-workers, soak up soak up knowledge from others. Be the positive energy, make good contacts, and be the person ppl remember. Make the most out of it – grow.”

What I’ve learned these last year and four months is this…

I find that mantra to be filled with lies.

Much of what was said doesn’t matter.

If you don’t fit in the company’s culture or if you subtly irk someone at the top, at the wrong time, in the wrong way… you’re gone. Working hard, staying late, being a positive energy to others doesn’t matter. I believe working hard is part of it, but what’s really important is fitting the company culture, having a great communicative relationship with the people who can let you go, play the correct politics, and you’ll stay.

Also here are a few other things I’ve learned from last year:

  1. Save. You can be gone at any moment. Therefore, prepare for the worst because you should never think your job is secure. Unless you own the company, your job isn’t secure.
  2. Trust no one. I love many of my co-workers, even the person that let me go… I’ve learned a lot from them, I learned a lot about them, and I’ve given them a lot of myself to them. However, with that said, I’ve learned you can’t trust anybody. You are a team, but at the same time you must be able to take a step back and live a different life outside of your co-working space.
  3. Learn to control my manic depression & PTSD a little better. I don’t know how I can do this part, but I do think a lot of what happened was due to how I dealt with my mental issues. Though I never blamed my mental health issues on bad work performance… I did have strange spurts of creative energy that would go in waves. Others can’t handle it sometimes.

My personality is not for everybody. I think people who really get me can undertake my child-like wonderment. There is a reason why my interns and other creatives stick by me and give me their best work … and it’s not because of money. I have none.

I believe they stick by me and give me 150% of their time because people who are young at heart, people who are truly creative, understand that there might be something special and genuine in my brain.

Woah. Isn’t the title of this post called Acceptance?

Alright, let me get back on track and talk about Acceptance.

Though, I will admit, writing everything above is helping me deal with everything I’m going through at the moment. Let me explain…

Acceptance

Writing things out is the way I release everything I’m holding inside. Yes, I love 1:1’s and talking out issues. It’s my speciality! Leave me in a room with someone and we’ll usually hash it out. The only person I’ve failed at communicating with is a dude who I pissed off in 2012. He’s not reading this, but he knows who he is…

Even my ex… it was a dramatic end, but we left on happy terms. We talked back in 2016 (a year after the breakup) and the last thing she did was laugh (as I walked away). We’re not friends or anything, but at least we came away with some sort of understanding.

Regardless, there is something so pure about the written word. I don’t need someone to be on the receiving end. I can just let it all out and let my mind calm itself as I type, type, type, and type.

Unlike talking words, the written word can last forever. It’s something you can check back years later. Talking words, unless recorded, floats in a world of paraphrases.

Woah. I like that line… “floats in a world of paraphrases.” I’m going to steal this one day for something I’m writing. 

Anyway, how does all of what I said deal with my acceptance of things?

I’ve been saying “I don’t know” quite often lately. Seriously, I don’t know (as I squeeze my burrow brow into a tight position… my eyes squinting a little). Maybe… I think…writing it all out calms my senses?!?

Yes, it calms my senses.

I’ve been rolling around all early morning, trying to place what needs to be done in an order that doesn’t make sense. It didn’t make sense because the emotional stress makes my mind murky. I was going to say “fogs up my brain” but not only does that sound cliche, it doesn’t sound right. 

Writing dissolves, expunges this murkiness.

Anyway, I digress…

I literally have 3% battery left on this laptop so I need to finish this as quickly as I can. I want to end with this…

Acceptance isn’t something that happens by relying on others. You can’t control how they feel about you, you can’t control the outcome of what happens, you can’t control any external force.

The one thing you can control, is how you react to anything that affects you. If you can react in a way that calms your nerves, keeps your head thinking clearly, and somehow continues the flame that keeps you motivated… you are one step closer to acceptance.

Writing gives me this control.

Yes, writing allows me to feel some sense of control.

It allows me to think about my actions, think about the past, and plan for the future. Currently, there is no one to blame but myself.

Accept.

Phew. This feels good.

Alright. I guess I’m not sleeping anymore.

Let’s start the day.

There is a lot to do –

Thanks for listening.
In my mother’s home – San Diego, CA
4:32 am.

 

 

 

 

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