Lining Up Your Assets

What are you pursuing? What are you doing to obtain these goals? Are you allocating your time right? Are you working hard in the right direction?

I’m not.

Let me explain

A few hours ago I was having a mental breakdown. It’s because of a collection of things: from producing all the moving parts for a self-made YouTube video, directing such YouTube video, to being the video, and then planning next steps to edit then publish said video… can be quite emotionally draining. And, this was only the first part of my day.

The second part of my day (after my hour nap) was staring at a screen as I tried to figure out how to take 3 hours of footage and squeeze it into an entertaining 15-20 minute YouTube video.

My mind was racing… I thought “if I don’t finish this and if this video doesn’t get views then I won’t amount to anything.” To top it all off, my bank account is slowly dwindling, which stressed me out thinking of the amount of the main hustle I have to do next week…

I broke down.

I cried inside.

I didn’t know what to do…

I didn’t finish the video…

I felt like a failure.

I felt small.

I felt as if I didn’t belong anywhere.

Here I am – supposed to “balance” everything all for the chance of pursuing my dream of becoming an influential personality – and I’m failing. So I called a friend and I’m calm now (well calmer).

This is what we talked about…

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Stop Caring About The People Who Don’t Care About You

A few weeks ago I relapsed and I gambled.

For those who don’t know I have a gambling problem and I made the grave mistake of going to a casino, withdrawing three hundred dollars from the ATM, and blowing it away on poker.

Old habits die hard.

I have this belief that though bad things happen to me all time (car getting stolen, car accidents, getting fired, and the list continues)… the consequences that take place, due to gambling, is a pain that can lead to a word I cannot describe.

How do I put it? Hmmm

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The Most Romantic Breakup Story Ever

I was recently asked if I had a breakup story to share.
This is the story –

When I would close my eyes and think of her, I would see her smile. It forms ever so slowly to where her eyes squint softly, her cheeks begin to glow, and then the tiniest of dimples appear as if to remind you that there is indeed pure beauty in this world.

Angelic elegance.

Her smile more than plants your feet on the ground because it’s made up of empathy, compassion, and the type of selfless love that tells you that you are home.

If you don’t smile when she smiles, you have no heart. Her smile could make your heart ache with comfort.

In this moment she wasn’t smiling.

Her eyes looking down. I was in front of her as she was in front of me. The lady’s back leaning against the wall of her bed, while I sat idle on a stool in the middle of her room.

The only noise that could be heard was a sniffle from her nose, the pensive scratching from my nails, and the lamp’s bulbs radiating energy from being on for too long.

We were just trying to make sense of the last two hours.

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The Time I Stole

I was recently asked to tell a time when I stole something.
This is the story –

In my freshman year at UC Berkeley, I lived in a dormitory called Bowles Hall. It looked and felt like the gloomy structure of an exact replica of Hogwarts.

The only difference was the ability to find an amazing woman like Hermione Granger, Pansy Parkinson, or an Angelina Johnson to be walking the halls… because women didn’t exist at Bowles Hall!

Yes.
No women.
No magic.

It was an all-male dormitory with men growing into their prepubescent bodies and their strides of deodorant sticks. It was less of a Harry Potter story and more of a Lord of The Flies type situation.

And on this particular day, like any other day, I found myself vehemently arguing with my roommate, Greg.

Listen, Greg is a great roommate. The only issue is he was (is) a very vocal right-wing conservative. And, to his credit, I can be a boisterous liberal lefty.

I loved President Obama.
He thinks President Obama is one of the worst presidents in American history.

We argue from pro-choice issues all the way to the fundamentals of whether or not systematic racism exists. Our debates get loud – and at the young age of 18… they often got violent.

That day wouldn’t be any different.

Me: FUCK YOU
Greg: FUCK YOUUUUUUUU!

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Acceptance

It’s 4am. I can’t sleep. I need to write.

I’m not going to lie, I was going to write a blogpost called “Being a Superstar Is the Biggest Lie Companies Tell You to Be”

There is a mantra that floats around startup culture and corporate America in general… “if you don’t own the company, you should work late, outwork your co-workers, soak up soak up knowledge from others. Be the positive energy, make good contacts, and be the person ppl remember. Make the most out of it – grow.”

What I’ve learned these last year and four months is this…

I find that mantra to be filled with lies.

Much of what was said doesn’t matter.

If you don’t fit in the company’s culture or if you subtly irk someone at the top, at the wrong time, in the wrong way… you’re gone. Working hard, staying late, being a positive energy to others doesn’t matter. I believe working hard is part of it, but what’s really important is fitting the company culture, having a great communicative relationship with the people who can let you go, play the correct politics, and you’ll stay.

Also here are a few other things I’ve learned from last year:

  1. Save. You can be gone at any moment. Therefore, prepare for the worst because you should never think your job is secure. Unless you own the company, your job isn’t secure.
  2. Trust no one. I love many of my co-workers, even the person that let me go… I’ve learned a lot from them, I learned a lot about them, and I’ve given them a lot of myself to them. However, with that said, I’ve learned you can’t trust anybody. You are a team, but at the same time you must be able to take a step back and live a different life outside of your co-working space.
  3. Learn to control my manic depression & PTSD a little better. I don’t know how I can do this part, but I do think a lot of what happened was due to how I dealt with my mental issues. Though I never blamed my mental health issues on bad work performance… I did have strange spurts of creative energy that would go in waves. Others can’t handle it sometimes.

My personality is not for everybody. I think people who really get me can undertake my child-like wonderment. There is a reason why my interns and other creatives stick by me and give me their best work … and it’s not because of money. I have none.

I believe they stick by me and give me 150% of their time because people who are young at heart, people who are truly creative, understand that there might be something special and genuine in my brain.

Woah. Isn’t the title of this post called Acceptance?

Alright, let me get back on track and talk about Acceptance.

Though, I will admit, writing everything above is helping me deal with everything I’m going through at the moment. Let me explain…

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