High

On my mind because I’m high!

When I tell people I have manic depression and live with PTSD, many think I’m roaming around the world lost, confused, in pain, and of course… depressed.

These feelings do occur. However…

I think they tend to forget about the other component of mania, the component when my serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin levels are spiking with such a surge that when I close my eyes, I can actually see the neurons shooting off in every direction!!

God!

I LOVE THIS FEELING!

It feels as if some ghost like, holy spirit figure is massaging the insides of my brain. It feels as if a five-star masseuse is stroking my head while simultaneously pulling the strands giving a lover’s touch a run for their money.

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Car Accident

I must have pressed the backspace on this keyboard at least 100 times already. Word after word, sentence after sentence, deleted. It’s funny because the wordpress interface is one of my favorite places to write my thoughts and right now, right now I’m having the most difficult time organizing my thoughts to create paragraphs.

I blame it on the car accident. It happened a few weeks ago. I’ll get into it in a few, but at this very second, I’m trying to write.

To begin, I’m starting from scratch. I’m forcing myself to write down the exact steps I’m taking to write down the words you’re reading at this very moment. This can be seen as “meta” and in a way “cheating” – but it’s the only way I can start revving the momentum train back to self-producing.

Self-Producing? 

The car accident has left me stunned, shocked, and uninspired to do anything for myself. I say the word, “myself,” because I’m still producing and editing content for other companies and brands.

I’m still leading a class where I’m teaching others how to go viral on Facebook. And, I’m still writing sketches and scripts for other influencers. Hell, I’m going to brag a little bit and say that one of my videos just hit 22 million views today!

Though these tasks help pay my rent, I’m lost when it comes to MY work. MY Youtube channel. MY Facebook page. The ability to self-produce content ANYWHERE is lacking spark.

So.

Here I am.

Doing what I can.

To rev this engine back up again.

There are orange plugs in my ears. The laptop is nestled on top of a pillow, which snuggles nicely on top my lap. My fingers are resting ontop of the keyboard. I’m strapped in and ready to go! I’m writing again. I’m fucking writing again.

Holy shit. I’m writing again.

Let me start by writing about the car accident.

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Fade To 4:39am

Fade to 4:39am and this ambiguous structure of words that need to be stretched out, stripped out, and then torn out to extrapolate the pain floating in my head.

Who knew laying in bed since 9pm would make 4:39am so deadly? To be awake, to be energized, but then to be surrounded by inactivity or the inability to be active, is destructive.

It is in 4am – I can’t do anything.

So, I think. Thinking is dangerous.

Dramatically. I’m thinking of her.

I thought I was thinking of her because I wanted to see if there was a way to win her back. I know getting back together would be detrimental to both our happiness right now. But, what I do know is that I have a few images I’m unable to fight back. Images of her.

Here are a few memories I’ll never be able to let go:

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Impact

I’m not going to lie, it’s been tough getting back into the groove of making content for my YouTube channel, Facebook page, Instagram, and any other social media site I’m living on at the moment. I keep on saying to myself that “I’m going to write tomorrow…” “I’m going to film this weekend…” “I’m going to have a mission statement NEXT week.”

Then, I delay all of these plans by chalking them up to excuses of work, lack of money, lack of time, and sleep deprivation.  Well, for some odd reason I told myself that enough is enough. It was time to get started on producing content again!

However… for the past few hours I’ve been trying to make something, anything, for any of my aforementioned media channels, and I’ve been deleting everything I’ve been posting. In addition, I need to head back to work soon…

So.

Here I am.

Writing.

It is my hope that this blog post is the fuel I need to start my momentum content producing train.

Before I continue, I’m going to make something very clear, I’m not lazy… when it comes to OTHER PEOPLE’S PROJECTS and WORK. For example, right now I manage four high-level internet youtube / facebook celebrities. In fact, I’m building a business around this concept.

But when it comes to my own content… I’m lazy. I do nothing to help my own image shine. This needs to stop because at any moment my clients can die, let me go, or vanish to another agency. Also, even though I love what I do for others (and it gives me a way to live), my personality belongs in front of the camera…

It’s not about being famous. It’s about using the talents that someone (God) gave me to make an impact on the people I interact with.

What do I mean?

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Unhealthy Relationships

I was watching a Buzzfeed Short about unhealthy relationships and I couldn’t help but to think of my relationship with my ex. For reference, here is the link to the video and I suggest you watch it because it’s powerful:

I’m tearing up right now. For the first time, I’m actually tearing up about my past relationship… Yes, that’s correct. When my ex-girlfriend (of 6 years) and I broke up – I didn’t cry, I didn’t moan, I moved on with haste.

However. At this moment. I’m tearing up right now.

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