Something New

I want to get to the above message in a second, but first I want to let you know that today is a little different.

I’m awake at 3:32 am in the morning, not because of worry. I’m awake because of optimistic scatter. This is a good thing because it’s a different feeling than days from the past.

Anyway, what is optimistic scatter? This is a really good question as I absolutely positively made up this concept while writing this all out.

Optimistic scatter is when you have the physical and mental energy to begin working on the creative ideas rambling around in your head, however, you don’t know where to start. Thus, keeping you in absolute limbo.

I have the camera in front of me, I’ve cleaned my room, I’ve planned my week and yet, my brain is a scatter of thoughts after thoughts knowing I have to start and finish at least something before the morning ends.

But where do I begin?

This is why I’m writing right now, because I need a place I know that keeps me grounded. Yes, this place, this place where I write. This place where I feel most familiar, it keeps me in check.

Alright, let’s talk about the message I pasted at the start of this post.

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Why Am I Doing What I Do…

Number 1

I feel alive when I entertain.

I feel alive when I give.

I feel alive when someone opens up to me.

Does this make sense?

God it’s so early in the morning, I can barely keep my eyes open.

Let me see if I can make sense of these thoughts…

If I can be there for someone physically, help them with what I know, make them laugh, smile, feel enlightened, and / or more importantly, make them learn something significant… I feel as if I’m doing what I’m supposed to do… I feel as if I’m done my job…

Job?

Yes, I say “it’s my job” because I believe I have no other choice. This may sound absurd, egotistical, even narcissistic, but I have these stories in my head and experiences that I want to share.

Stories of domestic violence to heartbreak to heists, and other human experiences that can all be told in thoughtful pieces… and I want to tell them in a way that entertains people who hear them.

I’m not going to lie, I often feel alone…

and entertaining and listening to others, is the only way I can fill that void.

Number 2…


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Seppuku

I’m at it again – the whole “I can’t sleep because I’m going through some mental shit right now” and since I haven’t written anything in awhile… this jibber jabber of text can hopefully help with the instability.

You could ask, who are you writing for? And, I’m going to be straight up and tell you that I’m writing for myself.

Writing is how I cope with my mental fragility. Therefore, I don’t care about the grammatical errors that happen in this post, I don’t care if my words are illogical… all I care about is the fact that I’m writing.

I’d rather write than shove a gun down my throat.

There are so many things that are racing through my head right now. I want to tackle how my manic-depression and PTSD keeps me awake at night: I’m tired of waking up screaming as another night-terror after night-terror after fucking. night. terror. blasts through my hippocampus as it rips through my emotional memories of nostalgic pain.

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Stop Caring About The People Who Don’t Care About You

A few weeks ago I relapsed and I gambled.

For those who don’t know I have a gambling problem and I made the grave mistake of going to a casino, withdrawing three hundred dollars from the ATM, and blowing it all away on poker.

Old habits die hard.

I have this belief that though bad things happen to me all time. I’m talking my car getting stolen, getting fired, having the IRS freeze all my assets,  and the list continues…

However, the consequences that take place when I gamble, are consequences that end up being destructive to myself and others. I’m talking the things that happen after I gamble are. just. fucking horrible.

I have no idea why I write in the wee hours of the night or morning.

How do I explain this? How do I put it?

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Why Instagram Vlogs Will Rule 2018

I’m going to warn you that I haven’t written in sometime. As a way to get back into the groove of things, I’m going to write about a theory I have when it comes to Instagram. This may not be the best written piece I’ve ever done. There might be grammatical errors, who knows. It’s all about getting back into the groove of things. Here goes nothing…

I believe that 2018 is the year of Instagram.

I understand – Facebook is making a massive push to popularize Facebook watch. However, a successful Facebook watch page comprises of professionally made video content:  we’re talking HD quality, we’re talking about engaging stories where each video lasts more than two minutes and thirty seconds, and we’re talking about pages that can posts these types of videos consistently.

This is the watch’s algorithm: must be followed for your page to be successful. You can see this first hand as Facebook watch has partnered with brands like NFL, reality television syndications, buzzfeed, and other big brands who can create these high-production quality videos consistently.

Therefore, Facebook watch is for the serious video creator who has the resources and team to create these high quality story-esq videos.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with what Facebook is doing. But, if you’re a new creator trying to start out, I really don’t think Facebook watch is a friendly place to upload your content. 2015-2017 was the year for Facebook, but now that Facebook watch’s new algorithm is taking a hold of the reigns…

I’ve come to the conclusion that Instagram will be the place for new creators. It’s the platform of 2018. It is the platform where new creators can obtain a loyal, engaged fan base… fast.

Let me explain.

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