Where Are We Supposed To Be?

Where we are supposed to be is someplace in the present. It’s the place we we feel safe, where we feel loved, where we feel most familiar, where everyone knows us, and where we know everyone. I know this place, hell we all know this place, and I think we often forget that this place exist.

We tell ourselves we’re not good enough, we’re not ready, we’re not “quite there yet” to feel safe.

We do this by calling ourselves names, jumping into old vices, doing anything and everything to stop ourselves from feeling loved.

We don’t feel safe because we don’t allow ourselves to feel safe.

Self. Sabotage.

Sabotage manifests from our own limiting beliefs, which are created and ingrained in us by the age of seven. Then, through confirmation bias, these limiting beliefs only get stronger over time.

Society will remind us, nay, badger us, that our limiting beliefs are real: we’re too ugly, we’re not rich enough, we’re not good enough, we’re not what society deems us as desirable… reminding us that we’re not important.

Some get badgered more than others, while others are privileged enough to have it a little bit easier to breakthrough.

Regardless… because of all the badgering, by the time we reach our 20s, these limiting beliefs are cemented into a vault digitally locked into our brain: the key code floating with numbers of a combination we’ll grow to forget.

How do we get back to the familiar? How do we get to our safe place? How do we open the vault?

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Shoving a Gun Down my Throat

I’m at it again – the whole “I can’t sleep because I’m going through some mental shit right now” and since I haven’t written anything in awhile… this jibber jabber of text can hopefully help with the instability.

You could ask, who are you writing for? And, I’m going to be straight up and tell you that I’m writing for myself.

Writing is how I cope with my mental fragility. Therefore, I don’t care about the grammatical errors that happen in this post, I don’t care if my words are illogical… all I care about is the fact that I’m writing.

I’d rather write than shove a gun down my throat.

There are so many things that are racing through my head right now. I want to tackle how my manic-depression and PTSD keeps me awake at night: I’m tired of waking up screaming as another night-terror after night-terror after fucking. night. terror. blasts through my hippocampus as it rips through my emotional memories of nostalgic pain.

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Stop Caring About The People Who Don’t Care About You

A few weeks ago I relapsed and I gambled.

For those who don’t know I have a gambling problem and I made the grave mistake of going to a casino, withdrawing three hundred dollars from the ATM, and blowing it all away on poker.

Old habits die hard.

I have this belief that though bad things happen to me all time. I’m talking my car getting stolen, getting fired, having the IRS freeze all my assets,  and the list continues…

However, the consequences that take place when I gamble, are consequences that end up being destructive to myself and others. I’m talking the things that happen after I gamble are. just. fucking horrible.

I have no idea why I write in the wee hours of the night or morning.

How do I explain this? How do I put it?

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Why Instagram Vlogs Will Rule 2018

I’m going to warn you that I haven’t written in sometime. As a way to get back into the groove of things, I’m going to write about a theory I have when it comes to Instagram. This may not be the best written piece I’ve ever done. There might be grammatical errors, who knows. It’s all about getting back into the groove of things. Here goes nothing…

I believe that 2018 is the year of Instagram.

I understand – Facebook is making a massive push to popularize Facebook watch. However, a successful Facebook watch page comprises of professionally made video content:  we’re talking HD quality, we’re talking about engaging stories where each video lasts more than two minutes and thirty seconds, and we’re talking about pages that can posts these types of videos consistently.

This is the watch’s algorithm: must be followed for your page to be successful. You can see this first hand as Facebook watch has partnered with brands like NFL, reality television syndications, buzzfeed, and other big brands who can create these high-production quality videos consistently.

Therefore, Facebook watch is for the serious video creator who has the resources and team to create these high quality story-esq videos.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with what Facebook is doing. But, if you’re a new creator trying to start out, I really don’t think Facebook watch is a friendly place to upload your content. 2015-2017 was the year for Facebook, but now that Facebook watch’s new algorithm is taking a hold of the reigns…

I’ve come to the conclusion that Instagram will be the place for new creators. It’s the platform of 2018. It is the platform where new creators can obtain a loyal, engaged fan base… fast.

Let me explain.

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High

On my mind because I’m high!

When I tell people I have manic depression and live with PTSD, many think I’m roaming around the world lost, confused, in pain, and of course… depressed.

These feelings do occur. However…

I think they tend to forget about the other component of mania, the component when my serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin levels are spiking with such a surge that when I close my eyes, I can actually see the neurons shooting off in every direction!!

God!

I LOVE THIS FEELING!

It feels as if some ghost like, holy spirit figure is massaging the insides of my brain. It feels as if a five-star masseuse is stroking my head while simultaneously pulling the strands giving a lover’s touch a run for their money.

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