I haven’t given much thought about “the game…” until last night. What happened? Last night I went to an event where there just so happened to be attractive people and I was flirting with them?!? I write the statement with a question market because it was a casual-business event so my intention came from a place of business and nothing else.
However, one of my friends kept insisting, “she was into you man. She wants you man. She is cute.” First, I think my friend was over-exaggerating. Being overly friendly, flirty, touchy, and happy at a casual-business event means nothing. Everyone is there to network, to learn, and to give insight. Therefore, EVERYONE who is ANYONE is supposed to be friendly, flirty, touchy, and happy to talk to each other.
Though I thought nothing of these “girls” & “game..” my friend’s comments did start a nagging thought in my brain. I began to think of my ex-girlfriend.
And, I realized I’m not ready to jump into the “the game.”
I’m not ready to date
I’m not ready to be in another relationship
I’m not ready to ask for anyone’s number
I’m not ready to actively search for someone else, kiss someone else, or even aggressively pursue anyone else. Yes, I will still flirt when the opportunity presents itself. I’m not going to sit idle if an attractive person walks into my path. I’m just not going to try to do anything further because… well… I’m not ready.
We were together for six years. In that time we broke up once for 2-3 months: I did see a couple of other girls in that time and, though really attractive, wasn’t into them as I was with my (ex)girlfriend. I’m glad we were able to work it out because my ex-girlfriend is amazing, intelligent, compassionate, independent, strong, and considerate.
I’ve seen her climb from the ashes and into success.
I’ve seen her go from new college student to senior, to unemployed to employed to a company she absolutely loves. I’ve seen her cry, rejoice, celebrate, laugh, and smile in a way that stops my heart from beating. I’ve felt her hate, her anger, her compassion, her intense intimate grasp, and her love. I’ve heard her nag, tell stories, give advice, whisper secrets, achieve laughs from a joke, and of course, say things that my soul will always remember. I loved her and I hope she loved me too.
Also, I know I wasn’t the best of boyfriends. There were many times I took her for granted and there were many times that elicited that I wasn’t really ready to be in a relationship (I’m still not): I’m still getting my life together with projects, videos, and figuring a way to be monetarily secure.
In addition, I wasn’t attentive, positive, or sound. Personally, for these reasons, it’s a miracle all in itself that we were able to last for six years!
I think the only good thing that came out of the breakup was two things: i) when one of her older sisters texted me saying, “thanks for taking care of her all these years.” I looked at the text and smiled with a tiny tear because that’s all I ever wanted to hear from her family, from her, from anyone… that I was doing a good job somehow.
And, ii) when I asked her, “did you grow in our relationship?” Now, I asked this question because if the best thing in her college career was ME, then I failed her as a boyfriend. If the best thing in her 20s was ME, then I failed her as a boyfriend. I wanted to make sure I did everything I could to make her grow. You know what she said?
She said, “Jonathan, are you kidding me? Everything that I know, everything that I am, and everything that has led me here (her career) is all because you’ve had a hand in it. I’ve grown so much with you.” I smiled again, but this time my soul weeped.
“Just move on.”
“I can’t believe he called me.”
“Why can’t boys just move on?”
These are words I hear from girls / women every single time they’re talking about their ex-boyfriends. I’ll be in a restaurant and hear two girls talking about how their ex-boyfriend unexpectedly gave them a call. I’ll be with a friend and she’ll laugh as an ex-boyfriend suddenly texts them out of the blue. I’ll be around a girl, and she’ll call one of her girlfriends proclaiming how she tried keeping her ex in her life as a friend… but it’s just not working out because he’s acting like a child.
I don’t want to be like those guys. I want to be a good guy. I want to be a great ex. I want to be as far away as possible from my ex-girlfriend: out of sight and out of mind. I blocked her, her family, and her close friends from social media. I even went so far to delete our private blog: our memories. It is and was the healthy thing to do.
Anyway, I’m all over the place with this post at this moment.
Basically, I just hope my ex-girlfriend is in a better place. I hope she’s happy. I hope she’s still smiling out there. It’s no longer my job to care for her or to make her happy. Oh well. It happens. We’ve drifted off into two different worlds and we’re never going to collide again.
That sentence hurt a little as I wrote it out.
I want her to be proud of my new accomplishments. I want to tell her what’s going on! I want to be proud of her. I want to celebrate her wins and her losses. But, it’s no longer my job to care for her, to think about her, or to even make her happy. Again, we’ve drifted off into two different worlds and we’re never going to collide again. It’s okay.
I don’t want my ex to regret breaking up with me. I care more about this:
I hope she doesn’t regret being with me.
I hope she was actually in love with me when we were together.
I hope she knows and still thinks I’m a good guy.
I want to be a good ex.
That is all.
It’s too painful to go back and try to edit this post.
Thanks for listening.