On my mind because I’m high!
When I tell people I have manic depression and live with PTSD, many think I’m roaming around the world lost, confused, in pain, and of course… depressed.
These feelings do occur. However…
I think they tend to forget about the other component of mania, the component when my serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin levels are spiking with such a surge that when I close my eyes, I can actually see the neurons shooting off in every direction!!
I LOVE THIS FEELING!
It feels as if some ghost like, holy spirit figure is massaging the insides of my brain. It feels as if a five-star masseuse is stroking my head while simultaneously pulling the strands giving a lover’s touch a run for their money.
While I’m high I develop a sixth sense: the ability to feel the energy of every living person in my path. Therefore, to get the most use of my high – I seek, I explore, I search for people who are radiating genuine energy.
Empathy to others.
Empathy from others.
As an extroverted manic I achieve momentum when I’m able to find these people and tell them what I think makes them beautiful. I will not hesitate, I will blurt it out. It is selfish really, but laughter and a smile is my fuel.
Yes, I can be shocking, so over the years I’ve been more aware and let these highs seep out of my head instead of crashing these emotions onto others.
There are triggers that can get me there faster: surrounding myself with positive people, accomplishing a project at work, entertaining random strangers, a hug, a text from a friend, sticky notes reminding me to get up, exercise, and even a fresh haircut.
I want to remind you that when I’m high, as when I’m at a low, I’m Jonathan. I’m 100% myself. I’m not some made-up happy go lucky individual. I’m in control expressing my true self.
I think I share this because I want to remind others who struggle with mental health that though the lows are really fucking bad, our natural highs are something many don’t get to experience. It’s a blessing.
You know, looking at the word “blessing” is odd to say. Why? Because I struggle getting out of bed almost everyday, I struggle with anxiety and the overthinking that keeps me up at night, I struggle with night terrors, I struggle with thinking that love is lost and I don’t matter.
I’m a little happy these moments exist.
I say little because sometimes these “blessings” can take me on a ride for weeks and months… as I sit there screaming from the insides trying to force happiness out of my fucking body.
But. It’s worth it –
They help me appreciate the good times.
I survive because I live for the highs.
Thank you for listening.
In the hint office – San Francisco, CA