It’s been close to a week since the events that took place where I had to take down a recent YouTube video. Every day I lie awake as my mistakes of my past keep haunting me…
I’m living in this weird strange bubble where I overthink and over-analyze every single mistake I’ve made. In addition, I’m doing a deep dive analysis of all my insecurities (my looks / my height / my weight / etc).
The world doesn’t revolve around you Jonathan. By over-analyzing everything you’re saying it does… and it’s not mentally healthy.
The person who told me to take the video down, her words are hitting me like bullets. I could feel her anger, I could feel her pain, and my heart drops every single time I think of what I done.
Sentence by sentence. Word by word. Period and comma alike. Yes I’m reflecting on each fucking letter.
Like, god damnit Jonathan. This is far from what you wanted.
It is never my intention to be inconsiderate or hurtful to anyone. However, I was … there is a level of misunderstanding in every situation and to me, scoping through the video, past videos, talking it out with other content creators, friends, and lawyers, and analyzing my past relationship with her… I will say the entire situation was a misunderstanding of sorts.
Why did I make the video in the first place?
For one, I think it’s a really great story. It’s a roller coaster: a story of awe, then shock, then pain, and then it all evolves to hope. It’s a great story and right now it’s hidden away on some hard-drive.
It’s hidden away.
It’s my fucking story and I’m unable to click publish.
I was told telling my stories about her is inconsiderate.
Telling the story isn’t inconsiderate, it’s how you show the story that can determine if it’s inconsiderate. If you saw the video, every audio and video clip of her had been used before. But that doesn’t matter because at the end of the day, it’s a new video, and you can try to justify it anyway you want but from her side… what I did was simply not right.
And, even though I am that guy right now… I don’t want to be that guy.
I’m not going to lie and get rid of her for the story to be published. Yeah right. The story wouldn’t make sense or have any impact or meaning if I got rid of her completely. The story would be a simple superficial “flex”. The story would have no weight. The audience doesn’t gain any new perspective.
This means, she still needs to be in for the story to make sense, but it has to be done another way… until that time comes, the story stays in its vault.
I’m not going to lie, I thought the video would be the end of it all for me… the last hurrah. But here I am again, in a bind again where old thoughts and old habits creep up… and here I am presently dealing with a situation that involves her… which is leading me to talk about her on a fucking Wednesday afternoon because I can’t think of anything else but trying to figure out how to get her out of my head.
Oh. Not “get her out of my head” as in like… getting back together (lol). But more so like she’s a problem in my head. That was SO mean to say.
I don’t know how to explain.
She’s a good person.
There is nothing wrong with her.
We’re just not great at interacting with each other.
We always seem to cause problems for each other and it’s usually… because of something I say or do because I’m fucking stupid… and simply I think it’s because we don’t know how to communicate.
This is why we haven’t communicated for… years.
Until Friday, unfortunately.
I’m trying to find the balance between acquiescing to someone’s demands of how I should live life vs., doing whatever I feel like without the care of someone else’s feelings. If I don’t have the right balance then what happens is I end up hurting someone in a manner which is unintentional, OR I’m in a situation where I become super resentful.
I need to find this balance and…
I need to get back to work.
Thanks for listening.
LA – 12:03pm
I’m just letting this thing flow.