A few weeks ago I relapsed and I gambled.
For those who don’t know I have a gambling problem and I made the grave mistake of going to a casino, withdrawing three hundred dollars from the ATM, and blowing it all away on poker.
Old habits die hard.
I have this belief that though bad things happen to me all time. I’m talking my car getting stolen, getting fired, having the IRS freeze all my assets, and the list continues…
However, the consequences that take place when I gamble, are consequences that end up being destructive to myself and others. I’m talking the things that happen after I gamble are. just. fucking horrible.
I have no idea why I write in the wee hours of the night or morning.
How do I explain this? How do I put it?
When I gamble, the following events that take place are not fixable. For example, well this is an extreme example, once I had this week long poker session and at the end of it… I got into a massive car accident where my car flipped and someone ended up underneath a car: she’s okay now but she will forever have a leg injury that will be with her until she dies.
What happened to me? My car flipped 360 degrees and I just have a scar on my head and a bad knee.
I understand this is a very extreme example. In fact to say the accident happened because I gambled can be seen as reaching. But this happens time and time again. Basically, I will say that there is some strange force out there making sure that when I gamble, disastrous things will happen.
I’m talking a friend dies.
I’m talking, my brother’s lung explodes (he’s good now).
I know this is extreme.
But I blame the gambling.
The most recent gambling session led to two situations: the first is when the new video I published had to be deleted from my channel.
This video was very important in the fact that not only did it take many months to create the episode (investment of time), but also the fact that the channel was slowly climbing up again due to the quality of content.
I was devastated with myself and the mistakes I made that forced me to delete the video from my channel.
What’s funny, is the odds of it happen were very rare. I’m being vague, but everything had to line up PERFECTLY just to get to the point where I was forced to delete the video. I blame my gambling.
It sounds as if I’m superstitious. You know? I am.
The second situation…
I participated in a video series for the YouTube channel Jubilee and I made a fool of myself. The video will be coming out very, very soon.
I’m anxious. I’m nervous. My fucking heart is slowly protruding out of my stomach. I’m about to puke out the pulse making drum beats in my neck. I fucked up and I know that the results won’t be any good.
Thankfully the internet is the internet and the video will be forgotten when a new video takes over. However, for a brief moment (maybe a couple weeks or months or whatever), the comments will pour in and hit my heart really hard. It’ll be embarrassing. Some friends may reach out and, I don’t know if I’ll be able to take the hate.
I deserve the pain.
I. Fucking. Gambled.
If I didn’t gamble, I probably would’ve been less insecure, more confident, and more able-minded to participate in said video.
When I gamble (and lose) my insecurities amplify.
What happens is I end up thinking about the many things that other people could be thinking about me… yes – I’m usually thinking of my “ex” and my “ex-friends” and anyone else who are rooting for my demise.
They probably aren’t, but when I gamble (and lose… but doesn’t matter because even when I win), my ego makes it seem as if the world revolves around me. And, it revolves around me in a negative way.
I feel their judgement and due to my insecurity, I begin to think that I need to start doing things to please them. They might not even be watching me, but I think they are, and so I act as if they are… does this make sense?
And, because I try to please them, I end up not being “my true self” and I end up embarrassing myself (because people don’t like “fake” people).
There is a saying, if you try to please everyone, you won’t please anyone…
It’s a weird internal thing I go into. In one hand I’m fighting to be myself and in the other hand I’m trying to please / impress the people who aren’t even rooting for me.
What ends up happening? Emotional incongruity, the perception that I lack any sort of passion anywhere, and what’s worse, people think that I have the inability to be truly vulnerable.
In this Jubilee video, I will admit that I wasn’t being 100% honest with my actions. There were moments of truth, but I feel most of the time I was acting as if those aforementioned people above were watching. me. God. My. Fucking. Ego.
For example, there is this moment (and they might show this) where I’m vibing with a girl and she states that she’s in college.
I know for a fact that I’m into her because her personality just feels so good. However, because I was thinking that the aforementioned people above would make fun of me because I would choose a girl who was still in college… well I decided not to CHOOSE her.
Granted I have a career but I’m YOUNG too.
So what ends up happening?
I get awkward. Yes – awkwardness.
People that are listening. This is what happens when you’re not emotionally congruent. This is what happens when you care about the wrong things.
I need to grow up and not care about what these people think of me… it’s funny because when I don’t care about what others think and just be me: acting through and through.
When I DGAF (don’t give a fuck)… I don’t make stupid gaffs, say dumb things that I’ll regret, or put myself in an embarrassing situation that I can’t get out of. Basically, the awkwardness isn’t there, and if it is awkward, at least it’s funny awkward (at least to me… something I can live with).
When I don’t care about the people who don’t care about me… I have more control over my life.
I cannot wait for this Jubilee video to come out because I’ll be doing a reaction video, which will help with all the going-ons in my mind.
I want to be able to critique what I did and learn.
God. The video will be so cringe worthy.
It’s a lesson to be learned.
What can be learned here?
Be more decisive.
Know what you want.
Be more confident.
Stop caring about what the people who don’t care about you
Don’t. Fucking. Gamble.
ahahaha I feel like my writing is just a spew of thought and then I let it take me somewhere… in the hopes it all makes sense.
I miss the time I was confident with myself and women. I miss the time I was more decisive. I miss the time where I didn’t care and I wasn’t trying to please anyone by proceeding with actions that I didn’t agree with. I miss being authentically myself.
Honestly, the last time I was “me” was way back in February of 2010. Yes, I had spurts because I was able to run a business, make viral videos, and do so many beautiful things.
However, I wasn’t consistent because I gambled. I was insecure. And, I tried to please everyone.
Ending Random Thoughts
I need to work harder.
I’m going to be honest.
I was lazy.
I blamed the world.
Then I blamed myself and did nothing about it.
I’ll say it again.
I need to work harder.
Let’s see if I’ll learn from these mistakes.
We’ll see what happens.
Thanks for listening.
In my room – LA