I was watching a Buzzfeed Short about unhealthy relationships and I couldn’t help but to think of my relationship with my ex. For reference, here is the link to the video and I suggest you watch it because it’s powerful:
I’m tearing up right now. For the first time, I’m actually tearing up about my past relationship… Yes, that’s correct. When my ex-girlfriend (of 6 years) and I broke up – I didn’t cry, I didn’t moan, I moved on with haste.
However. At this moment. I’m tearing up right now.
I’m reflecting on my relationship with my ex and I’m realizing how unhealthy we were together. See, my biggest fear in my life is being like my father: physically abusive and emotional manipulative. He was a horrible partner to my mother and this is something I want to stray away from. Yes, he hit my mom, he called her names, he complained and requested that it was HER duty to have sex with him…
But, physical and emotional abuse isn’t always that horribly bold. As the buzzfeed video shows, emotional and manipulative abuse can stem around passive and subtle aggression.
I think there were many times in our relationship that I guilted her in feeling like she didn’t do enough or… I don’t know. There isn’t anything I can do about my past relationship right now…
But it sucks.
Knowing or feeling as if I was a horrible boyfriend. Listen, I love this girl, I will always love her, and to show my love – I don’t want to be with her. I can’t be with her because she and I don’t mesh well. It’ll be selfish of me and she deserves happiness.
I guess we’re going in circles again – but I just need to be a good ex. I will continue to be a good ex. I’ll figure it out. I owe her.
I don’t feel like editing this piece. I just don’t.
Thanks for listening.
Some Random Friend’s Couch – Santa Monica, CA