Why Am I Doing What I Do…

Number 1

I feel alive when I entertain.

I feel alive when I give.

I feel alive when someone opens up to me.

Does this make sense?

God it’s so early in the morning, I can barely keep my eyes open.

Let me see if I can make sense of these thoughts…

If I can be there for someone physically, help them with what I know, make them laugh, smile, feel enlightened, and / or more importantly, make them learn something significant… I feel as if I’m doing what I’m supposed to do… I feel as if I’m done my job…


Yes, I say “it’s my job” because I believe I have no other choice. This may sound absurd, egotistical, even narcissistic, but I have these stories in my head and experiences that I want to share.

Stories of domestic violence to heartbreak to heists, and other human experiences that can all be told in thoughtful pieces… and I want to tell them in a way that entertains people who hear them.

I’m not going to lie, I often feel alone…

and entertaining and listening to others, is the only way I can fill that void.

Number 2…

I love people.

I’m curious how humans work, their backgrounds, their beliefs, and why they do what they do.

Through the efforts of good storytelling, we’ll be able to understand how people work and interact with each other… and do it without judgement.

Am I just rambling here?

Is this making sense?

One thing that has stayed consistent throughout my time on this earth is a few things:

i. I’m really good at getting people to open up to me because I take the time to be there, to listen, and also elicit genuine vulnerability which makes it easy for people to trust me enough to be vulnerable as well.

ii. I’m a good storyteller.

iii. I like making strangers happy.

iv. I’m good with kids.

v. I try to be a damn good friend.


Yes I can be irreverent, but my heart is usually in the right place. Though I believe that being irreverent is what gets strangers to notice. It’s now a balance. It’s taken awhile to really grow: thankfully I’ve been yelled at, lectured, and given advice which I take to heart.

I have addiction problems (gambling is an example), I don’t think I was a good boyfriend and ex-boyfriend to one of my exes, I lament over mistakes and mishaps, I have so much baggage myself, I get lazy, I was a negative piece of shit…

I’ve been working on all my defaults and I’ll keep working on it. It sucks because I’ve hurt people in the process.

Anyway – back to what I was saying…

Sometimes people just want a punching bag, a sound board, a hug… and I can be all those things.

It feels good to be needed.

But there is one thing concern I do have –

I’m scared.

I’m scared because time is running out before my youthful looks fade away. I wanted to be more beautiful so I went to have some breast augmentation in Baltimore, Maryland. That way I can entertain someone. Maybe I’m right. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it doesn’t matter. But I feel my youthful looks combined with my youthful charm helps me tell my stories, makes it easier for people to open up to me… basically my youthful spirit helps me connect with others easily.

I’m scared.

Time is running out.

The only option is to work a little harder.

This life is all I’ve got.

This is such an egotistical post.

God dammit I’m so fucking egotistical.

I just want to be there for people.

I just want to entertain others.

It feels good to give.

It’s the only time I feel alive.

I feel I’m doing a disservice to god and to others if I don’t use the gifts I was given and do something with it..

But the only way I’ll be able to do this is if I get myself together. Because who wants to work with someone who can’t get it together?

Thanks for listening
My bedroom – Los Angeles, CA
5:02 am

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  • looking back at this post and now you’re comment… we can begin to think that maybe this is about legacy? What is our legacy? It sounds so narcissistic of me to think this way – is it? But I’m happy I’m not the only one going through this thought

    • Syarfa Zee

      I, on the other hand, don’t think u are a narcissist. You cared about the others, you still are. There’s nothing wrong with that, in fact I hope that there are much more people out there who are like you, who put so much effort in giving the best to the others. We are the broken people who find happiness when we help the others heal, because we know how hurtful it feels when we have to go through one. We just don’t want the others to suffer the way that we did