You Can’t Bury The Past

In the late hours of Friday to the wee hours of Saturday morning, I’ve been at war with myself trying to figure out where everything had gone wrong. I recently published a video on YouTube, telling the story of a certain event: it was touching and relatable as it focused how a breakup turned into an event and future events that would shape my life for the better.

It was authentic.

On Friday night, I decided to check my YouTube e-mail and I noticed a YouTube claim. It was clear to who did it and for the first time in a very, very, long time I gave her a text – confronting the situation.

Usually I fold right away. If confronted and she tells me she’s bothered, I’ll delete the post right away, or some content, without batting an eye. But, I don’t know, not this time. I want to make something very very clear: everything I used in the video had been used before. I’m talking the phone conversation all the way to the actual clips.

I talked to my lawyer that night.

I talked to some of my YouTube friends.

and if I wanted to fight it and go to court, I could and I’d have a high chance of succeeding. But as my lawyer said, “is she worth it right now?”

She’s not worth it… but the story is worth it because it is a BIG EVENT of how my life has been shaped. It’s lodged in my head. The story is important to me… but my lawyer was right. I don’t have the capital nor the time to fight this right now.

I wanted to scream, “she wins again!”

I’m going to make it clear, I’m not going to be silenced from anyone anymore. My mouth has been shut for so many years.

Again – I’m not going to let a company, let a “friend”, let a person, let ANYONE especially not her silence me anymore.

So – I’m going to tell that story again – and many stories, one day.

Why?

Before I answer the “why” let me tell you why I’m seething.

1. Back in December 2017, without warning, without communicating, she requested to do something for her from an app. It’s complicated, but long story long is I promised her I would give something to her… one day… she has to be patient. I’m an idiot because this promise was said off of a manic high and talking to other professionals who looked at my own accounts. It was a stupid decision as in reality I really don’t owe her anything.

Anyway. I made the mistake and I’m going to follow my word to complete my promise. Therefore, when I received the request from the app… I was agitated but I was also very disappointed. She had the decency to text me that she was going to start requesting? I don’t care WHY she did what she did, I care HOW she did what she did.

So I figure. Okay. This is what we’re doing now.

We’re not communicating.

2. Then it happened again. This time with my YouTube channel. This time it’s my bad because I didn’t give her a heads up that this was going up. I will say the video can be seen as a gray area, but again the point of contention is not the fact that she wanted it taken down. The point of contention is HOW she decided to get her way. This is why I contacted her again.

Answering the Why Tell These Stories

That night I was told something along the lines of (paraphrasing) “the past is the past, let the stories stay in the past. I was being inconsiderate for telling them.” This doesn’t make any sense because as much as I am and can make new stories, the past makes what we are today. I was trying to explain that to her.

Yes, I’ll admit one thing, the clips and audio I showed (again though used from past clips verbatim) should have been re-enacted of some sort (maybe an actress?)… but I felt it would lose authenticity. I felt it wouldn’t be real.

Anyway.. I was trying to explain that the reason why I tell these stories is to unearth human emotion, to bring people to realize something to feel something into their lives. Songwriters do this, fucking movies do this, the best TV shows relate because the writers are pulling their own experience onto paper.

For example, my brother just won a freaking film festival for best drama… it was a film about / based on an event from our lives.

This is why I need to tell the story. It affects me every random of my life. Do you know how many times I’ve been silence? I can’t say what I say. I don’t think it’s inconsiderate that I tell my stories and this is why: some of stories help people with their couple relationships, with their family relationships, and just their life decisions.

Just because she’s in one of them doesn’t mean she’s in all of them. The relationship was six years… you don’t think unpacking every single mistake and good thing can happen in a milisecond? I don’t care if it’s been three years.

Listen, I’m still unpacking my own my family drama that took place from age 1 to age 20. What I’m saying is, unpacking takes time. You get older, you get wiser, you figure out what went wrong, what went right, and how you’re going to do everything you can to NOT let it happen again.

My mother said the best thing once… I asked her “Mom like why did I make all these fucking mistakes and went through all of this?” and she said “everyone goes through their shit and their mistakes, and the people who are able to get over them are the ones who are now obligated to mentor people who are going through the same thing.”

I found my mother’s statement to be profound and it’s made me rethink about everything I’ve gone through. I want to turn my past pain, sorrows, joy, and anything else I’ve gotten over… and create art.

People have put tape on my mouth, it’s time to rip it off.

So what now?

I will tell my stories but, if it’s about her, I’ll make sure not to use past clips: I’ll do re-enactments and make stories out of it all: her name won’t be mentioned and I’ll be legally careful.

She has to understand the world doesn’t know who she is… no one cares about her. Only her friends and the people who know her. But just because she’s mentioned or the catalyst to why the subject (in this case me) does what he does, doesn’t mean they care about her.

The only thing the audience ever cares about is the story.

It’s funny because I thought after I published “How I Met The Chainsmokers” video that I wouldn’t be talking about her for some time.

But the events that took place actually ignited something in me has created a new motivation. I never thought I would ever say this, but she’s an obstacle I need to overcome to be able to achieve where I want to be in life.

I don’t want to work for someone else anymore, creating their stories (selling their products). So her attacks is more than personal. Get ready. I may not have a story about her… but when I do again and I will. It’ll be done with so much care, so much passion, so much love into the project… it won’t be half-ass like that simple YouTube video that I made.

It’s going to be one section of an art project.

This sucks so much because I was happy and now all I can think is she’s in the sidelines with all those other horrible people who are in my brain… telling me… hoping… I fail. I never thought that until last night.

Yes, these people not say they want me to fail, but the consequences of their actions tell a different story. Woah. I need to take a breather for a second.

She attacked me in December without communicating and then now. Does she really think I’m that bad of a person that I won’t listen to her? Every single time she’s told me to retract or give her something, without batting an eye, I’ve done it. Period.

What’s crazy is I sound like the crazy one.

I sound like the manipulative one.

It’s exhausting sometimes to delete months and years of work. It’s exhausting to be silenced. It’s exhausting to be told that you can’t do what you do… all so I can be considered as a “good guy.” What about a thank you? what about something?

I sound so strange right now. It can be looked about in two ways: i. you’re right or ii. you’re fucking crazy. I don’t know. Therapy? Probably. Yipes.

I don’t know.

This is going to sound so fucking petty, pretentious, selfish, and any name you can consider… but I’m really tired of being taken advantage of. I just want to be me… 100% me.

And all those stories have shaped who I am today and it’s time to unpack them all.

Thanks for listening.
I don’t care about these grammatical mistakes right now.
I’m letting my brain spew.
In an office – LA
10:41 AM

 

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