It’s 4am. I can’t sleep. I need to write.

I’m not going to lie, I was going to write a blogpost called “Being a Superstar Is the Biggest Lie Companies Tell You to Be”

There is a mantra that floats around startup culture and corporate America in general:

“if you don’t own the company, you should work late, outwork your co-workers, soak up-soak up knowledge from others. Be the positive energy, make good contacts, and be the person people remember… make the most out of it – grow.”

What I’ve learned in the last year is that this mantra is wrong.

Much of what was said doesn’t matter.

If you don’t fit in the company’s culture or if you subtly irk someone at the top, at the wrong time, in the wrong way… you’re gone.

Working hard, staying late, being a positive energy to others doesn’t really matter. What matters?

I believe working hard is part of it, but what’s really important is how you fit in the company culture and if you have a great communicative relationship with your team and the people who can let you go.

If you’re a team player and you get your work done… you’ll be fine: going above and beyond is just doing your job and being heard without being a nuisance to others.

If it isn’t clear, this post is about what it’s like being an employee in a company and what you need to do so you don’t get fired… I don’t know it’s 4am in the morning.

Also here are a few other things I’ve learned from last year:

  1. Save. You can be gone at any moment. Therefore, prepare for the worst because you should never think your job is secure. Again, unless you own the company, your job isn’t secure.
  2. Trust no one. I love many of my co-workers, even the person that let me go… I’ve learned a lot from them and I’ve given them a lot of myself to them. However, with that said, I’ve learned you can’t trust anybody. You are a team, but at the same time you must be able to take a step back and live a different life outside of your co-working space. Your co-workers aren’t your enemies, but you have to remember, that their job security will always outweigh yours.
  3. This third lesson is just for me: I should learn to control my manic depression & PTSD a little better. I don’t know how I can do this part, but I do think a lot of what happened was due to how I dealt with my mental issues. Though I never blamed my mental health issues on bad work performance… I did have strange spurts of creative energy that would go in waves. Others can’t handle it sometimes. I cope with it using Kratom, Kratomystic, since its easy that way.

My personality is not for everybody. I think people who really get me are the ones who just accept my child-like wonderment. There was a reason why my interns and other creative partners stuck by me and gave me their best work … and it’s not because of money. I have none.

I believe they stuck by me and gave me 150% of their time because people who are young at heart, people who are truly creative, people who have gone through shit, understand others who are similar.

What am I saying here? It seems when looking for interns or people to partner up with… I find people who are as broken and creative as me?


Anyway. I’m all over the place.

Isn’t the title of this post called Acceptance?

Alright, let me get back on track and talk about Acceptance.

Though, I will admit, writing everything above is helping me deal with everything I’m going through at the moment. Let me explain…


Writing things out is the way I release everything I’m holding up inside. I think I say this often. Fuck. I think I said this in a recent post? Whatever.

There is something so pure about the written word. I don’t need someone to be on the receiving end. I can just let it all out and let my mind calm itself as I type, type, type, and type.

Unlike talking – words, the written word can last forever. It’s something you can check back years later. When you talk out loud, your words just float in a world of paraphrases.

Anyway, how does all of what I said deal with my acceptance of things?

Um. I don’t know… I digress.

I literally have 3% battery left on this laptop so I need to finish this as quickly as I can. I want to end with this…

Acceptance isn’t something that happens by relying on others. You can’t control how they feel about you, you can’t control the outcome of what happens, you can’t control any external force.

The one thing you can control, is how you react to anything that affects you. If you can react in a way that calms your nerves, keeps your head thinking clearly, and somehow continues the flame that keeps you motivated… you are one step closer to acceptance.

Writing gives me this control.

Yes, writing allows me to feel some sense of control.

It allows me to think about my actions, think about the past, and plan for the future. Currently, there is no one to blame but myself.


Phew. This feels good.

Alright. I guess I’m not sleeping anymore.

Let’s start the day.

There is a lot to do –

Thanks for listening.
My place – Los Angeles, CA
4:32 am.