The ever consuming train of the content fed to you on these social media platforms, where so many individuals are vying for your attention, can lead you into a path where you feel as if your body transforms transparently through the streets of the world: basically, I’ve become numb and I’ve become my own ghost as I walk through the lives of no one.
I’m not saying that social media is evil or wrong in any capacity. I love social media. I love the internet. It is because of these social media platforms that I’m able to make a living: there is so much money to be made on the internet, and it’s all thanks to these social media applications. It’s beautiful.
And, beyond money, I also get value from these apps in many different avenues of my life: we’re talking education, entertainment, enlightenment, all the way to making long-lasting amazing connections that I wouldn’t have had in the first place.
Oddly, when I started typing this post, I thought it was going to be a hard strike on why social media is in a way, evil. I thought I was going to write a post blaming these apps for the reason why I’m depressed, why I feel lonely, why I feel as if I’m worth nothing.
However, I see the benefits of the internet, and I’m taking a step back to analyze my life as a whole. Remember, the world is nuanced and gray, so I must be mature enough to see all angles of the situations I put myself under.
And, as I write this I’m beginning to understand what’s actually bothering me. There are many things why I fall into depressive states. But for now, let’s focus on one.
I’m depressed because I’m not allocating time on the things that make me happy. What makes me happy is telling stories.
I make excuses by laying in bed and allowing myself to be addicted to social media content…
I make excuses by living in fear and purposefully self-sabotaging myself by acting upon my vices, which ultimately forces me to rely on using my time on work I don’t want to do… all to get out of the hole I dug myself into.
I make excuses by saying, “this person isn’t ready or this person isn’t helping me…” when in reality I can just do it myself. Hell, if I can create an amazing video for a client, what’s stopping me from doing the same?
I’m realizing as I write this that I’m angry at myself, and it is through this anger that I fall into this deep depressive existential crisis. I’m angry because I’m made to create and I’m not doing that for myself.
Time and time again I’m put into situations where people say to me, “why aren’t you creating? you’ve proven you can do it, so why don’t you create?” or “you’ve helped me so much, haven’t you thought of becoming a motivational speaker or creating more content so you can reach more people?”
And knowing that I have this talent and not doing anything about it, is why I often feel as if I’m wasting my time on this planet.
Do you know how much footage that I record and document on a daily basis? Yet, here I am waiting – waiting for God knows what and NOT putting the footage together and publishing something.
I think this is why I feel overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed because I have all these fucking stories and due to either my vices, laziness, or just utter disregard to facing my fucking fears… these stories in my head don’t turn into anything.
These stories just build up in my head and they’re stuck in there SCREAMING to get out.
I’m so happy I’m able to write this all out. I get that there are so many things that I want to do, that I need to do, but let’s start small.
I think the first step is when I’m done filming something, or if I have an idea, just get it done and publish it ASAP.
Stop fucking waiting.
Like this – I wanted to write something.
I’m writing something.
Guess what? I feel happier.
So – like with everything else –
Just fucking do it.
It’s time to let these stories out.
Thanks for listening.
Venice, CA – in my garage / bedroom