What is the correct way of living a life?
I don’t know.
I. don’t. know.
Honestly, I think I can end the essay right here: pack it up, alright, we’re done. But, I want to continue because I’m interested to see where my brain lands on this question.
I don’t know the answer, but maybe by the end of this… we’ll figure it out. I hope. Holy shit…
Here we go –
I went to bed at 5pm and I’m currently sitting here at 1:19am trying to do anything other than consume mindless videos on the internet.
I do this too many times. I get some decent hours of sleep and then once awake, I fall into a habit of consuming… shit.
What is this shit?
Rewatching hours upon hours of my favorite television shows. Fuck, I already know what happens!
Why am I rewatching Survivor 31 all over again? How many times must I rewatch the same episode of Friends, Modern Family, or New Girl?
Why am I now consuming clips of these shows on YouTube, even after watching the full episode a few minutes prior?
There’s one thing consuming something new (which I do for hours), but there’s another to overload your brain with the same piece of content over and over and over again.
YouTube – watching the same shit every time.
TikTok – watching the same shit every time.
Instagram (stories) – watching my own shit every time.
Pornhub – watching the same thing and then FEELING guilty every time.
I may not know the answer to our main question, but what I do know is that living a life where the majority of your time is consuming mindless videos on the internet… or simply, consuming mindless activities in life… is not the correct way of living your life.
I’ve been doing this since birth.
In my youth, I would sneak into the living room of the houses I would live in, watching all these Nickelodeon and Disney channel shows till about 5am.
In my teens, playing Counter Strike (video games), until my mother would tap my shoulder and say, “Jonathan, it’s 4am please go to bed” not once, not twice, but too many times.
In college, staying up late, watching poker shows, and playing online poker… losing everything until I could see the sun shining outside.
Post-college, taking everything above and combining it all into one horrendous way of living my current life: gaming, hours upon hours of poker, porn, hanging with the wrong crowd, marijuana… basically, consuming more than creating.
And, it’s all catching up to me right now.
I’m not a young lad anymore (lol “lad”), my time is more precious than ever – as in I can no longer balance the shit.
I need to leave room for sleep.
I need to leave room to make money.
I need to leave room to live.
And, I can’t do this properly and consistently if I’m consuming shit: if what I’m consuming or creating isn’t helping me experience life.
As I write this, I’m realizing more and more that the best moments of my life have been the moments where I’ve created something for MYSELF for the world to see.
Obviously, I’m not talking about my writing because this is a private journal, and not that many people read this blog.
I’m talking more on the side of videos, I’m talking more on the side of daily interactions with others, I’m talking more on the side of reaching out to work with amazing creators, I’m talking about putting myself in positions where people are relying on my creative brain to make something for the world.
I would be living on the street if I didn’t do this, but because I’m inconsistent, I’ve lost decades of moments where I could have been doing more and could be doing more… more living.
So what is the correct living a life?
I think it’s understanding that it’s less about consuming and more about consistently creating.
Creating what? Creating something for yourself that the world can see.
I want to emphasize “for yourself” because if what you’re doing isn’t beneficial for what you need to grow in the life that you want… then you’re not creating the right thing.
Yes, this is a selfish way of thinking.
But, as someone who has been pulled in every direction, used by too many people to create beautiful projects that only benefited others… I can say, try to create more for yourself.
Yes, there’s a lesson in everything that you do. Yes, there is no better way to create a connection with others than by giving. Yes, being selfless is so rewarding.
But, what I’ve realized, is that at the end of it all… if you’re not getting anything back that benefits your own goals in your life (e.g., recognition to money to whatever) then you’re not living correctly because you’re not creating for yourself.
Thanks for listening.
2:37am in the morning
P.S. I’m really tired of sleeping on the ground in my closet. hahaha (dark detail)