She Popped In My Head Again… and I’m pissed.

Again I’m not going to edit this or read it over.

I’m here to spew so let’s spew. It’s more real that way, anyway.

Beyond the anger, frustration, despair, and desolation is a fork standing at attention, it poking The Halal Guys beef bowl I brought home to devour. However, I can’t really enjoy this delicious beef bowl because she’s poisoning my brain once again and I’m simply angry.

Yes, I’m talking about my ex of so many years ago and I need to write this out: unlike the other posts, I’m not going to delete this one. I’m tired of being silenced: writing things out is how I’m able to cope with so many things left unsaid.

I want her out of my head. She’s a trigger that halts my life and I end up doing destructive things to myself. I need to write this out or I might fall back to my vices.

It sucks because it may look like I’m a fucked up individual, a fucked up – crazy ex boyfriend. It hurts because I’m trying to find the balance between being able to take off these mental shackles that are pulling me down… while also being respectable.

Whenever I hear stories about my friends’ exes and the things the negative things they say, I often times think about my own actions and if I was a shitty boyfriend and if I will and am a shitty ex.

Here it goes…

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How To Find Your Creative Time

It’s 4:28am in the morning and I made sure to put on pants before writing this post. I have a difficult time concentrating when I’m in my boxer-briefs. To go further, I have an even harder time doing anything when the bottom half (of me) is completely unclothed: Yes, I sleep naked or half-bottom-naked. It’s for health reasons.

Therefore, I made sure to put on pants, put on my favorite hoodie, and plop my laptop onto a pillow before gently positioning myself into a butterfly stance. The one downfall from this entire situation is that my mouth’s moisture is producing a taint pungent garbage-esq morning saliva that is making my self-conscious yearn for a good brushing. However, I don’t want to run to the bathroom to brush, shower, or anything else in between because I don’t want to lose the creative juices flowing in my brain… yet.

In fact – this is the short topic I want to write about today…

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Why Major in Rhetoric…

A few days I received an e-mail from a reader:

rhetoricThe reader asked me, i) why did I study rhetoric at UC Berkeley? & ii) what is my current profession? This post may bore you, but this question couldn’t be asked at a better time because I haven’t written anything personal in a while. And, especially because I’m getting back into the writing game, it would be nice to write… something.

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The Trials of Being a Writer (Part 2)

A few days ago I told ya’ll the struggles a writer faces every single day.

In the post I told you that I would update you in regards to a Thought Catalog article I was writing: the assignment was to NOT think of writing a viral piece but rather writing a piece for myself. A writing piece that was polarizing to my my beliefs without the worry for a mass appeal. (Regardless how small the group, I was writing to please myself and the people who share my same values. Basically, exactly the same way how I write in this blog).

It was the best thing I did because the piece was really easy to write! It did take me a few hours to make sure the piece was polished, but at least I wasn’t having a headache (or a tantrum) trying to figure out what to write. I’m happy: you can view it here.

I’m even happier with the number of views, shares, and comments! I swear, it feels good to have something published again. This entire process was very insightful and I’m writing this post to share what I learned.

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The Trials of Being a Writer (Part 1)

Being a writer is really tough because many times you’re wasting valuable moments of your life… writing. For example, I wrote 40,000 words, from the summer of 2013 to the end of 2014, on a potential novel I’m putting together. Unfortunately, after reviewing it I realize that I hate the first half of the book. I’m going to rewrite the first part altogether and it will probably take 8 months to complete this task.

In addition, yesterday I tried writing a new Thought Catalog piece (to get back on the horse to accomplish my 2015 writing goals) and I realized that after 5 hours of writing the piece led nowhere. There wasn’t enough examples, it wasn’t concrete enough, the idea was there but it didn’t have substance. Thought Catalog is all about relationship, love, millennial (generation y) catharsis, and stories involving love / relationships. And, my piece was far removed from being a hit.

It hurts because sometimes I just feel like I’m wasting my time. I will say that it’s really easy to write on this blog because the audience are people who already know me. It’s not for the masses, it’s for you, the 30ish people who read this blog everyday (haha. I know. So small). Last month I only had 800 unique visitors who scrolled through my site. Once I thought it to be pathetic that I averaged so little viewers.

But now I feel it a good thing because we’ve become a close nit group of people who aren’t really judging me in a negative light. You are all here to read my personal journey in life. In fact, there are even a few consistent commenters who I’ve actually reached out to via email or some other social media channel. So, thank you. Thank you to the ones reading and commenting. It means a ton.

I will say I’ve gotten a few haters (whose comments were quite hurtful) but that’s okay. It’s more love than hate here. Again, thank you.

As I write this piece I’m realizing why it’s so easy to write here than for Thought Catalog (and my novel). It’s because I don’t care what others think of what I’m trying to say here. I know the ones reading are the ones who like me and the ones who don’t know me just don’t give a fuck and won’t comeback. I’m not trying gratify the masses… just you.


Continue reading “The Trials of Being a Writer (Part 1)”