Starting Somewhere

What I love about this blog is that every post is simply a stream of consciousness. It is my journal, it is my way, it is my reflective place. Yes, I could write in a private journal, but it’s just more freeing to write it here: there’s nothing more graceful and therapeutic than typing words on a keyboard.

Let’s begin.

I’m tired of this self-destructive lifestyle I live, called the cycle of “starting over.” It’s these moments in your life where you’re at the peak, career is flourishing, opportunities are all around you, and then in an instant, you lose everything.

Money depleted.
Opportunities vanished.
Sense of your soul ripped from your heart as you try to figure out what’s next.

I’ve been through it all.

I’ve managed to start a business where I made my client’s over $2-3 million dollars in a year. Then, due to gambling and bad spending… I lost it all.  I’ve managed to have YouTube hits and viral videos, but due to gambling and other distractions, I haven’t been able to soar. I’ve managed to have dream jobs, dream opportunities, dream collaborations at my fingertips… and I continue to lose it all.

Right now I’m in that position again. I thought things were looking up, and then I guess karma hit me in such a way where everything seems to be crumbling: I just settled a $30,000 lawsuit that happened due to a car accident in 2017.

I have a client who hasn’t and will not pay me (the amount of money is pretty substantial as their first payment was spent on pre-production costs): it’s a very complicated situation for the client, and it’s just something I have to live with. This has happened before, and this won’t be the last time someone will not pay me for the work I do. It happens.

Then, I have this friend who wanted me to babysit his car: it’s just been a headache as the last two years it’s been stolen, the bumper needs to be repaired, and, just today it got towed. Did I mention somehow that when babysitting his car, it turned into me giving him monthly payments to drive the car? I’m talking monthly payments that could amount to well over $10l in less than 24 months.

I’m laughing right now.

The fuck is wrong with me? I’m really bad at managing money. 

And, all of these things are happening as I’m trying to figure out how to live a happy life.

A life filled with accomplishment.

I’m not panicking.

Don’t worry.  I’m going to be fine.

I know that I”m going to be fine. Usually, last minute, I figure out a way to pay rent, pay the people who work for me, and then have enough money to feed myself. However, because of this self-destructive lifestyle of constant uncertainty and lack of saving, the only thing I’m able to do is to survive. I’m unable to excel, I’m unable to pay all of my debts, I’m unable to live on my own, and worst of all, I’m unable to be in a relationship.

I look at all my friends, my connections, my interns, and their fucking excelling to a degree that I should be as well. But I’m not, why? Because I’m falling into the same bad habits as I always do…

Wow. Isn’t this crazy?

I’m fucking crazy dude.

Woah.

I’m glad I’m writing this out.

Day in and day out, I live a sporadic crazy uncertain life. I’m exhausted, but I can’t rest because even though I’ve done so much, and I have nothing to show for it all because I keep losing it all. I’m looking down at the keyboard right now because I’m just realizing that it all stems from a few things:

  1. Gambling: when things are going well I like to gamble away all the assets that I have. My therapist (when I could afford it) said I gamble because I really don’t believe in myself: “when you lose everything, you’re allowing yourself to feed into the negative spaces in your mind that you don’t deserve your accolades and opportunities.”
  2. Addiction: yes, I have a massive addiction problem. When I’m into a television show, a twitch stream, a game, a television show, just anything that deters me away from the stresses of my day-to-day. However, lately, after watching anything that comforts me… I begin to tear up because I know it’s not leading me anywhere. How can I be addicted to rest… when I haven’t done anything yet.
  3. Thorough: I am not one of those people who can bullshit his work. When I bullshit, it’s very apparent. What is bullshit exactly? It’s basically not giving the effort a project deserves. This coming from careful edits to better time-management, to focusing on the right tasks. It’s simply being more present with the projects I’m working on at the moment. 
  4. Stop Caring About Others and Self-Image: I make fucking mistakes. I make tons of mistakes. I just need to be more focused on myself. I’m going to hut people’s feelings and I have to do my best to apologize, but I have to learn to move on and forgive myself. There are so many people in my life that I want to make amends, mostly because of misunderstandings and rarely because I wanted to screw them over. But I having this realization that these mistakes often happen because I lacked thoroughness.

You have no fucking idea how much I often think about my mistakes. The things I’ve done, the people I’ve hurt, and I really don’t know how to mend those relationships. Fuck I just want to mend these relationships. I’m learning that sometimes you just can’t mend a relationship, and though it hurts, you just have to let these people go… and just do what you can in the future. But fuck. The people I’ve hurt in my life… it’s hard for me to move on from anything sometimes. 

Again, though I’ve done a lot in my life… I have nothing to show for it but the experience. There is nothing wrong with experience, but if you don’t have the means to do more than just survive, then you’re just going to plateau.

Fuck. It’s happening right now, I can feel my body ache, and sadly my mind slowly plateauing.

Yikes, I don’t want to be stale.

I want to accomplish more.

It’s fucking scary.

What happens now?

I don’t know.

The only thing I do know is that I don’t really want to do what I usually do, which is to reach out to a friend to bale me out… or take on a job that might pay well. Both instances lead me to nowhere. When a friend bales me out, I learn nothing. When I take a job that pays well, it just leads to me feeling unhappy because I feel as if I’m just delaying my creative pursuits… so I fall into the habits of unhappiness, self-destruction, and ultimately self-sabotage.

What am I talking about?

I’m talking about pursuing my own creative endeavors without any sort of financial security.

I’ve been told so many times either by friends or myself, that I shouldn’t pursue my creative passions until I’m financially secure. But, I’ve been thinking: maybe I self-sabotage and squander my financial security because I’m SCARED of going after my creative pursuits?

Holy. Shit.

Here I am.

Literally. I’m broke.

I’m talking literally broke.

Debt.

IRS on my back.

Lawsuits still being finalized.

Car towed.

Payments for my bills are on its way

Yet, I’m going to pursue my creative passions?

I’m not going to depend on anything.

Instead, I’m going to focus on making creating content in hopes that in two weeks I’ll be able to pay off rent, food, and a few bills.

Holy shit. 

I’ve never done this before.

I’ve never gone after something without a tiny sliver of security to lean-on. I don’t care if the security I had was as tiny as 0.00001%. I knew it was there and at any moment if I was backed up in the corner, I could simply email someone to get me out of the hole. I no longer want to be indebted to anybody. I no longer want to be living in a world of regret.

Holy fuck.

Let’s go all in.

Let’s see what happens.

Holy shit.

Fucking holy shit.

Oh my god.

I’m ready.

It’s going to happen.

I’m going to make it happen.

I know it.

I feel it.

Holy shit.

It’s going to happen.

It will happen.

Watch.

Just. Watch.

Thanks for listening.
Los Angeles – the Venice garage
1:05 am