My Last Chance

$38,000.

A few weeks ago I saw this number deposited into my bank account. My eyes lit up because I thought of things I could do with this amount of money.

We’re talking about paying off debts, setting money aside for back taxes, and of course learning how to keep track of your finance, putting a majority of it into the business I am growing.

What is fantastic is that it is only 25% of what I’m expected to receive, as the last 75% will be given to me in mid-September (2021).

It’s a deal of a lifetime… and I’ve squandered it all away. Gambling.

There are four behavioral types that every single human being is prone to have: all of us have them, but there is always one that resonates the most than the others.

The four behavioral types go as follows:

1. Automatic
2. Avoidant
3. Access
4. Attention

I’m not going to explain each one, but what I’ve noticed is that I’m a heavy avoidant person. I thought, for so long, that I was a majority “attention” or “access” seeking person.

However, what I’ve been realizing is that when a major problem presents itself that affects “ME” internally… I tend to avoid the issue, by bottling it up and escaping NOT to therapy but to self-destructive habits, learn about the online business during covid that were made.

It’s strange because people, companies, brands… come to me asking to help fix their problems, and yet I can’t fix my own?

I avoid facing my feelings by gambling as there are great casinos like the house of jack casino login that let me gamble online. I avoid facing my feelings by watching hours upon hours of television.

I avoid facing my feelings by closing the door and not allowing my friends, my family, to see the pain that I’m in at the moment.

There’s a ton of work behind the issues I’m facing:

1. Being accountable to be authoritative and honest with how I’m feeling about the people who I work with

2. Holding myself together and facing my insecurity that I do deserve the “good things” that are currently in my life, and I shouldn’t always make it harder for myself. It’s okay – life can be easy.

3. Again, facing my many insecurities that I’m beautiful, talented, and that I’m actually loved and wanted. Do you know how many dates I’ve had to decline because I was too occupied working out my destructive habits?

It’s sad. It’s sickening. And, this may be laughable, but pushing away intimacy, especially sexual intimacy at this age, isn’t healthy.

Yet, here I am.

Again.

My bank account now reading $1,446 (out of the $38,000), trying to recall why I decided to go on a gambling binge in the last couple of weeks – my depressed and saggy eyes are the only things that I can show for the long gambling sessions I just had.

I think about the money I owe to my ex-girlfriend, the money I owe to an old employee, the money I owe to the government, and the list keeps going –

Especially when it comes to my ex-girlfriend, do I not want to let these people and problems go away? Why do I love holding onto these things?

Having this baggage is halting me from… well it’s halting me from just living my life.

I see so many others really enjoying their 20s, their 30s, living a life where they’re able to travel to different places in America or vacation in Europe or just simply… going on a date.

Money buys you freedom.

Freedom to do all of that –

And, I think the biggest thing to consider when losing all this money – is the ability to pursue your ultimate passions in life: in this case, acting, podcasting, and entertaining others in the world (internet, movies, commercials).

Do you know how many auditions and callbacks I recently missed in the last couple of weeks all because I’ve been gambling.

(I booked a national commercial when I wasn’t gambling… wasn’t that a MASSIVE sign to stop?) 

I’ve never been able to be consistent in my pursuit of following my passions because I always have made it harder for myself to continue.

Yes, gambling.

I write this out because I want to make it clear that this is my last chance. I feel it in my bones that this is my last. chance.

I’m crying right now.

I want to be happy.

I want to look in the mirror and know that everything will be okay.

This is the plan I have set in motion because I cannot use my friends as crutches anymore. What do I mean?

Well, usually it’s at this time where I borrow money. And, I know so many friends who would be willing to give me a loan. If you need the best personal loan for a car, you can check them out here!

Why? Because other than the ex-girlfriend, taxes, and the old employee… I pay my loans out (in time as well).

But, I’m not going to do that because it’s the easy way out, and it might propel me to be in a position where I take my “good fortune with friends” for granted and then fall into old habits.

Therefore, I’m going to go back, back to my thinking in 2017… where I was an uber driver while working at a company, while also saving money by sleeping in their office.

It was a great year of building work habits that would ultimately be one of the happiest working years of my life.

I may not have made a lot of money, but at least I wasn’t gambling, learning so much, and most importantly, making great memories with coworkers and friends.

So I signed up for Doordash and will be picking up a few odd jobs, while also taking on a few digital commercial projects that I know will just crush me mentally. But… it’s something I have to do.

I think creating habits of:

  1. working out at the gym every day
  2. working on my businesses (podcasts and course)
  3. sleeping on the ground in the closet
  4. reading and listening to podcasts
  5. not watching porn
  6. not watching hours and hours of television

Basically, putting myself in a position where I’m creating daily and weekly routines, will set me up for success when I finally receive the $112,000 that is headed my way in Mid-September.

I want to start entertaining others (in a big way) again, I want to grow parts of my business, I want to travel, I want to join a tennis meetup, I want to get braces…

I want to pay my ex-girlfriend, the old employee, and of course… pay my back taxes.

But, I’m not going to do that if I don’t create good habits right now. August is going to be a tough month as I begin to maneuver into this new path.

So it starts today.

It starts right now.

It starts with scheduling.

It starts with willpower.

It starts with discipline.

I am disciplined.

I am someone who schedules.

I am someone with great willpower.

This is my last chance.

Oh god this is my last chance.

Thanks for listening.
Downtown Los Angeles – 6:40pm

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