What I’m Turning Out To Be – Blah Blah

This is a personal blog so I get to write what I want to write… right? I recently wrote a post about 7 hours ago. The post is about how yesterday was a very shitty viral day for me. Since writing that post I’ve been unable to sleep because I’ve been thinking about the lack of success I’ve had in my life. I’m not talking about the success of normal jobs or making money. I’m merely talking about my own personal goals of accomplishing my dreams: creating art and works that move hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people.

Right now, well for the past few years, I’ve been helping others accomplish these goals for their brand.

Listen, I love(d) my job of building other people’s brands. But I’m selfish and I would like to also do the samel. My goals and dreams coincide with the fact that I’m not seeking attention (maybe a little), I’m rather merely affirmations. Like –

“Good Job! You’re doing great Jonathan, your stories are making me smile, your work motivates me, your art inspires me, what you do is why I get up in the morning…”

It’s one of the greatest feelings in the world to know that you’re changing someone’s life… for the better. In can as simple as a giggle or a grin… the fact is, I’m changing someone’s life. My golden years was from 18 – 21. I felt like I was doing things and putting myself in situations where I was changing lives.

In college (UC Berkeley) I was part of a recruitment and retention center that outreached to under-resourced communities -> we mentored these students (from middle school to community college), we gave them resources, we stayed in touch, and we watched them grow get into college and I’ve seen a few graduate. In addition, I worked 3 nightshift jobs working with people who taught to never take for granted my college education: they were my friends as they understood me as I understood them. They got me. It made sense. Lastly, I was a big part of the school’s student body (I’ll talk about this in later years), I did some great stuff and actually helped a big community on the campus (mainly Physical and Mentally challenged students).

But, as I always say: you’re remember for what you’re doing right now, not what you did. If your past was the best time of your life than you’re not truly doing anything great with your life.

Ages 22+ has been a very sour and horrible thing for my own personal dreams and ambitious. After college I’ve been conditioned to act in a manner that follows “social norms.” This rings true especially in my past job positions – I was “conditioned.” It sucked because I would see the people (bosses) who I worked for do exactly what I wanted to do in public… say what I wanted to say to others… and but when they did it they weren’t scrutinized or critiqued – they were affirmed.

I’m not writing this piece just blame others for my short comings. I’m also very  consonant of the actions I’m currently taking that have put me in a position where I’m in now. A place called, in lack of a better term, failure.

Here are the reasons why I’m failing:

1.

I don’t know my brand. I do not know how to correctly express my ideals in a fashionable manner. It’s crazy because for the past 6 years of my life I’ve helped an array of people with their own branding campaigns (political campaigns, small businesses, to YouTube channels…) and I’ve been damn good at what I did. I mean damn good.

I knew the brand’s lingo, community guidelines, just anything – to a point where I was them (in the social media / website / etc., etc., sense). Why can’t I do the same on my end? BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM. 

I’m not going to lie that when I tried to do something of my own – I did a lot of things that were very forced, very “not me,” and it’s a reason why I wasn’t successful. This time it’s different because I’m slowly breaking out of my shell and starting to act like myself. But still, I see the inconsistencies and it’s pissing me off.

I’m not polarizing enough. I’m holding myself back. I’m afraid.

Fuck it. I just need to be me. My golden age was 21. I was real at 21.

It was at 21 that I was still in college and doing things that inspired others. No one was holding me back, I have to find that “Jonathan” again.

Where are you Jonathan? Wow. This is really introspective.

2.

I’m lazy as fuck. I’m not lazy as in lazy, I’m more on the cusp of – I do not know how to prioritize. I’m in a long distance relationship that I need and want to sustain. It’s a complicated situation because she’s great for me but we’re every which way in our careers. I love her. I want to be with her. I want to her make happy. I just need to be able to support her financially in the work I want to do.  It’s complicated, I want to have my cake and eat it all at the same fucking time.

If I prioritize correctly, I know for sure I’ll be able to spend more time with her. For example, right now the person I’m working with left for a trip and I’m alone. But because I didn’t prioritize my financials correctly – I’m stuck here all alone. I have to wait to get paid before I can go (I just paid taxes and that was a lot of my monies). And, as luck would find it’s way – I still have yet to get paid (it’s late). This is why I need to plan ahead. PRIORITIZE.

In addition, there are many small businesses and friends who have projects that I want(ed) to be a part of. I feel they (would) have a better chance of success if I get (got) involved. So far, I’ve been pretty good at what I do. (besides Current Projects – there are a few other YouTubers and just daily friends that I’ve helped thus far). And, I want to add that 90% of what I’ve done / doing has been all for free.

I’m happy to do it and many times happy I do not get paid. Sometimes I’m afraid to charge, I don’t know why… I’m just afraid. The only thing I want in return is that they don’t forget about what I’ve done for them and somehow thank me in the long run. Other times (as of late) – after they hit their goal – they’ll thank me – and then I’ll never hear from them again.

Fuck.

Anyway, where was I? Yes. I’m LAZY AS FUCK because I haven’t put in the time or effort into building my own brand. I’m busy working on something else for somebody else or watching Netflix. I’m a fucking moron. I can do both. I just need how to prioritize.

These two reasons are why I’m currently a failure. Period.

—

It’s funny, it doesn’t make it better that I’m writing this while alone on a bed made for 10 year olds. This is literally my lowest point. Not career or monetary wise. This is my lowest point – mentally. They say that in order for you to be successful – you need to believe in yourself and have a positive outlook on life. I’m trying man, I’m trying really hard.

There is definitely one thing that I truly believe in…

Success is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration. I’m not sweating enough.

Don’t worry I’m not sulking. I know I have to work harder.

Ending Notes

I do not want to edit this blog post because I’m afraid that I’ll start deleting my inner most deepest-personal thoughts. I don’t want to hold back right now. Not right now.

P.S. What’s funny is while writing this post (before published) I suddenly received an e-mail from Ryan Holiday. He is by far a dear friend and one one of my closest pen pals in the world. He said something nice and now I’m grinning. It looks like it might be a good start of the day after all.

Thanks for listening.