Inconsiderate Considerations

It’s been close to a week since the events that took place where I had to take down a recent YouTube video. Every day I lie awake as my mistakes of my past keep haunting me…

I’m living in this weird strange bubble where I overthink and over-analyze every single mistake I’ve made. In addition, I’m doing a deep dive analysis of all my insecurities (my looks / my height / my weight / etc).

The world doesn’t revolve around you Jonathan. By over-analyzing everything you’re saying it does… and it’s not mentally healthy.

The person who told me to take the video down, her words are hitting me like bullets. I could feel her anger, I could feel her pain, and my heart drops every single time I think of what I done.

Sentence by sentence. Word by word. Period and comma alike. Yes I’m reflecting on each fucking letter.

Ouch.

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You Can’t Bury The Past

In the late hours of Friday to the wee hours of Saturday morning, I’ve been at war with myself trying to figure out where everything had gone wrong. I recently published a video on YouTube, telling the story of a certain event: it was touching and relatable as it focused how a breakup turned into an event and future events that would shape my life for the better.

It was authentic.

On Friday night, I decided to check my YouTube e-mail and I noticed a YouTube claim. It was clear to who did it and for the first time in a very, very, long time I gave her a text – confronting the situation.

Usually I fold right away. If confronted and she tells me she’s bothered, I’ll delete the post right away, or some content, without batting an eye. But, I don’t know, not this time. I want to make something very very clear: everything I used in the video had been used before. I’m talking the phone conversation all the way to the actual clips.

I talked to my lawyer that night.

I talked to some of my YouTube friends.

and if I wanted to fight it and go to court, I could and I’d have a high chance of succeeding. But as my lawyer said, “is she worth it right now?”

She’s not worth it… but the story is worth it because it is a BIG EVENT of how my life has been shaped. It’s lodged in my head. The story is important to me… but my lawyer was right. I don’t have the capital nor the time to fight this right now.

I wanted to scream, “she wins again!”

I’m going to make it clear, I’m not going to be silenced from anyone anymore. My mouth has been shut for so many years.

Again – I’m not going to let a company, let a “friend”, let a person, let ANYONE especially not her silence me anymore.

So – I’m going to tell that story again – and many stories, one day.

Why?

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4:28am: never felt so down

My bags under my eyes have turned into luggage as I’m unable to fall asleep. The last few hours I’ve been contemplating if I should delete a certain video from my YouTube channel.

I don’t want to get into the entire ordeal, but I just feel sick. YouTube’s algorithm was finally rewarding my hard work. The video I just deleted, it took me a year to figure out how I was going to put it together and then an additional 6 months to finally film and edit it completely.

Hard work pays off because I was seeing an uptick… a climb. YouTube was saying, “woah. not only is Jonathan posting content again on his channel, but this video is actually pretty good.”

The analytics loved it too!

FUCK

Just like the Fired video: I put so much time putting together a well-crafted story that I think can speak volumes to people… there is someone who deems it unworthy. The Fired video I made a compromise and deleted a crucial part of the video that brought it vulnerability… and what happened?

It wasn’t doing well.

Nada.

Zip.

Zero.

It was shit because it wasn’t truly authentic.

Road Trip videos? Not authentic.

How is it doing?

Shitty.

As you can see I’m not putting any thought in my writing. I’m just spewing because I’m angry: the year, the months, the weeks, the hours, the late nights, the redbulls for the last second… to finish this video means nothing.

Dare I say it? I’m fucking crying.

I’m balling actually.

It’s my fault though.

I did this to myself.

You think you follow the rules and put everything together, get permission or use clips from the past. Who knows. But it doesn’t matter.

You messed up.

Ka-poot.

Okay.

Jonathan.

Breathe for a second.

Let’s solve this… shall we?

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