F*ck My Ego: turned down 80k job – new goals and transparency. Day #1

Holy fuck. I’m going to be completely honest from here on out: no hiding, no convoluted statements to distort the truth all so to make it appear as if I’m doing okay… I’m going to be transparent every step of the way.

I have nothing to prove to anybody, but myself. And, the only way I can do this is to be truthful with where I’m at in my life. I’m beginning to realize that my old motto of “don’t share until you made it” is what’s been holding me back: there is this underlying pressure that I need to be successful to share the beginnings of my lows because I believe you’ll be judged less if you’re sharing from a place of power. T

Well, I’m at my lowest of lows. Hell, I talked about how I wanted to shove a gun down my throat. I talked about how I accomplished many things but have nothing to show for it… however, when I started writing again – my anxiety vanished.

So I don’t care who is reading right now. I don’t care if it’s someone rooting against me or someone who looked up to me… I’m going to be honest with my financials, my goals, and what I’m planning on doing. I’m not going to hide shit anymore. I don’t give a fuck. The idea of people saying “Woah. Jonathan is doing this now? He dun fucked up” is of course running through my head. But I don’t care. I don’t care. It’s time to tell the truth.

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Shoving a Gun Down my Throat

I haven’t written in awhile. I’m at it again – the whole “I can’t sleep because I’m going through some mental shit right now” and since I haven’t written anything in awhile… this jibber jabber of text can hopefully help. Who am I writing for? For me… I don’t care about grammar or anything.

I just want to figure out a way where I’m not shoving a gun down my throat.

There are so many things that are racing in my head right now. I want to tackle how my manic-depression and PTSD keeps me awake at night: I’m often waking up screaming as another night-terror after night-terror after fucking night-terror blasts through my brain.

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Lining Up Your Assets

What are you pursuing? What are you doing to obtain these goals? Are you allocating your time right? Are you working hard in the right direction?

I’m not.

Let me explain

A few hours ago I was having a mental breakdown. It’s because of a collection of things: from producing all the moving parts for a self-made YouTube video, directing such YouTube video, to being the video, and then planning next steps to edit then publish said video… can be quite emotionally draining. And, this was only the first part of my day.

The second part of my day (after my hour nap) was staring at a screen as I tried to figure out how to take 3 hours of footage and squeeze it into an entertaining 15-20 minute YouTube video.

My mind was racing… I thought “if I don’t finish this and if this video doesn’t get views then I won’t amount to anything.” To top it all off, my bank account is slowly dwindling, which stressed me out thinking of the amount of the main hustle I have to do next week…

I broke down.

I cried inside.

I didn’t know what to do…

I didn’t finish the video…

I felt like a failure.

I felt small.

I felt as if I didn’t belong anywhere.

Here I am – supposed to “balance” everything all for the chance of pursuing my dream of becoming an influential personality – and I’m failing. So I called a friend and I’m calm now (well calmer).

This is what we talked about…

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Stop Caring About The People Who Don’t Care About You

A few weeks ago I relapsed and I gambled.

For those who don’t know I have a gambling problem and I made the grave mistake of going to a casino, withdrawing three hundred dollars from the ATM, and blowing it away on poker.

Old habits die hard.

I have this belief that though bad things happen to me all time (car getting stolen, car accidents, getting fired, and the list continues)… the consequences that take place, due to gambling, is a pain that can lead to a word I cannot describe.

How do I put it? Hmmm

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The Most Romantic Breakup Story Ever

I was recently asked if I had a breakup story to share.
This is the story –

When I would close my eyes and think of her, I would see her smile. It forms ever so slowly to where her eyes squint softly, her cheeks begin to glow, and then the tiniest of dimples appear as if to remind you that there is indeed pure beauty in this world.

Angelic elegance.

Her smile more than plants your feet on the ground because it’s made up of empathy, compassion, and the type of selfless love that tells you that you are home.

If you don’t smile when she smiles, you have no heart. Her smile could make your heart ache with comfort.

In this moment she wasn’t smiling.

Her eyes looking down. I was in front of her as she was in front of me. The lady’s back leaning against the wall of her bed, while I sat idle on a stool in the middle of her room.

The only noise that could be heard was a sniffle from her nose, the pensive scratching from my nails, and the lamp’s bulbs radiating energy from being on for too long.

We were just trying to make sense of the last two hours.

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